GGAD通信集——三十五只猫头鹰 第27章 第二十六只猫头鹰

February 2nd, 1982

Gellert,

盖勒特，

My sincerity is mine, to do with as I will; if I spend it on an old, angry friend, that is my choice. And—I have more of it than you think, I swear, somehow I do. I always try to be better.

决定真诚与否的权利在我手里，怎样抉择也全凭我的意志；如果我真的想要把这份诚恳交付给一位怒气冲冲的老朋友，那也是我的选择。另外——我所拥有的诚心比你想象得要多，我发誓，无论我会如何使用它。我一直试着做得更好一些。

As for England spawning a Dark Lord—

至于说英格兰是怎样孕育出一个黑魔王的——

I'd had my suspicions, ever since I first met him. He was eleven; I was sent to contact him, in the Muggle world, inform him of his acceptance into Hogwarts and a world he'd never known. Even then, he was hungry, suspicious, cruel just under the surface. Off-putting. Sorted into Slytherin, and I wondered; and I thought of keeping an eye on him. But I was such a meddling, sanctimonious old bastard, wasn't I? Always poking my long broken nose into other people's business, always making things worse when I did.

自从第一次见到他，我就有所怀疑了。他当时只有十一岁；我被派去从麻瓜世界接回他，告知他另一个其从未领略过的世界，以及他被霍格沃茨录取的消息。甚至在那时，他就已经是充满渴求的，多疑的，残忍蛰伏在外表之下蠢蠢欲动，令人生厌。正如我所料，他被分进了斯莱特林；我在他身上多留了个心眼。可我就是一个爱管闲事、道貌岸然的老混蛋，不是吗？总是把我那被打折了的长鼻子伸到别人那里，指手画脚，把一切都搅得更糟。

He learned, he grew, into what he was to become, at Hogwarts, even as I taught. He made his first Horcrux right under my selfsame nose, and I wasn't paying attention. Because Europe was groaning under your yoke; because I wrestled with the necessity of challenging you; because I didn't want to meddle in yet another child's life.

他学习着，成长着，逐渐长成他后来的样子，就在霍格沃茨，甚至是在我的教导之下。他做出了他的第一个魂器，而且就在我那条长鼻子底下，可我却浑然不觉。因为那时整个欧洲都在你的枷锁下哀嚎着；因为我正为要不要出手阻止你而挣扎着；因为我不想再插手另一个孩子的人生……

Oh, I tell myself it wouldn't have made a difference if I had. Or that it would have made things worse. But my country fell to a Dark Lord until—yes, stopped by an infant—because I didn't stop him soon enough,because I didn't stay his hand when he was still a child , still learning his ways. Because I was trying to be better.

我告诉自己，就算我去干涉，状况也不会有所改变，甚至我的指手画脚反而会让事态变得更糟。可如今这片生我育我的土地落入了黑魔王的手中，直到——是的，他被一个婴儿所阻止——但这一切之所以会走到这一步，就是因为我阻止得还不够及时，因为我没有在他还是个孩子的时候好好引导他，任他恣意生长；就因为我总是试图做得再好一些。

In a way, it seems the thing I miss the most about those months we had together, however selfishly, is how I could let you command me. Abdicate responsibility to one I trusted—however mad I may have been to trust you. Abdicate responsibility at all; it's not a choice I have anymore. And you've been left with no responsibilities whatsoever.

从某种程度上来说，让我最怀念的，是在一起的那几个月里我放任你主宰我，无论这看起来是有多么自私。将责任完全推给一个我信任的人——可我真是疯了才会相信你。我把该负的责任数尽丢弃，就只有过那一次。而你不负半点责任地就那么离开了。

I suppose we each envy the other. And I suppose we have nothing left to say to each other but denials and rejections. I—wish it were otherwise, at times.

我想也许我们彼此羡慕着，甚至是嫉妒着。我也在想，也许我们之间除了互相否认和拒绝以外已然无话可说。我——情愿我们并非如此，有的时候。

注：

1.“我一直试着做得更好一些”（段1）和“就因为我总是试图做得再好一些”（段4）这两句话英文基本一样，只是第二句多了“because”，和邓教两次提到自己的鼻子一样，都是在嘲讽自己在格皇口中“道貌岸然”“爱管闲事”“伪善”的形象。（nonono憋内耗了多多）